Desirability is a very complicated issue with many social, cultural and historical undertones determining what it means to be desirable in certain environments and cultures - but what exactly makes someone desirable in Japan? The good news is; as a foreigner you already kind of have the "exotic bonus" added - and features that you might have always worried about noone will like you for or even having been mocked for back in your home country suddenly get called beautiful and are somewhat sought after. The bad news is that there are many people who will only "date" you for the fact that you ARE a foreigner, something exotic to show off instead of actually caring for you as a person. These Japanese people are known as "gaijin hunters" amongst the expat community, "gaijin" being a Japanese abbreviation for the word "gaikokujin" which means foreigner, literally "person from outside the country". Also, prepare for some new insecurities you never knew you'd have as you will most likely have a hard time finding (new) clothes that fit just right as well as learning to accept that "having a tall nose" somehow means something positive, something I haven't been able to wrap my head around even after almost 10 years of being engaged with this country.
Disclaimer I'm obviously going to over-simplify the very complicated process of human interaction in the context of dating to make it somewhat digestible to read. However, I want to make it very clear that I don't believe I have all the knowledge when it comes to dating - or dating in Japan. Obviously, I can only speak about the experience of dating as a white foreigner in Japan and the unfortunate and uncomfortable bias that Japanese culture generally has for whiteness (which is somewhat different to whiteness in the West, but that's a topic for another day). On top of that, I also want to make the disclaimer that all of the following information I share are of heterosexual experiences as I've only come to terms with my queerness fairly recently. I hope you can still find them a little bit enjoyable and stay around for future blogposts that will hopefully include more colourful experiences as well.
Before I came to Japan for the very first time, I had the stupid and discriminatory belief that I could never "get it on" with a Japanese person. They are just so different from what I'm used to... was what I believed and I made comments like many do when they have limited knowledge on what they're talking about. Thanks to the crush I had on a Japanese guy during my first trip to Japan however, I immediately stopped the nonsense comments about them not being desirable to me. He took me out for the most modest date I ever experienced and somehow unlocked a door in me that I never even knew I had. After some shallow research I had to find out that these assumptions I used to make are widely known to be some of the most common ones foreign women have towards Japanese men. Furthermore, it's apparently also one of the most regular assumptions of Japanese men that foreign women are "too much to handle" which is why a lot of them decide to never go further than a bit of fun, or don't even attempt to go out with them in the first place. I'm not proud of my younger self for making presumptious statements about Japanese men, but on the other hand I've also had to walk a long road with said men who'd only want to fool around with a white girl but never actually take any serious steps towards dating before I'd be able to meet someone who genuinely cared about me for me.
To speak somewhat broadly on the topic of desirability and attraction in Japan, it has come to my attention that many Japanese people, especially (but not necessarily) when they're young, are slightly shallow in their wishes as to what a partner should bring to the table. This is obviously a rather crass assumption to make, but back when I met my now spouse, they were very open about not having been able to fool around as much as I used to. They shared with me that one of the reasons they pursued me was because I wasn't looking at the things that most Japanese women tended to look at. I didn't care about their income or how they dressed, I also didn't care about their face being rounder and their skin being quite tan. All of these things had been things in the past that my partner struggled with a lot, because due to their looks and other reasons out of their control, they were always made to believe they weren't desirable - which is just so sad in my opinion. Back in Germany I also wasn't considered the beauty or extremely desirable person, but I'd still be able to get some and make experiences. Be the type of person that just hits the spot for someone else, even if I wasn't what was considered the overall beauty standard. To hear about - and it's not just my partner that has opened up to me in that way - Japanese people struggling to make some of the most basic human experiences plainly because of trivial outside reasons is really upsetting to me.
Germany and Japan - similar but oh so different
During my time back in Germany, I was socialized to be very open about dating, love, sex and stuff like public displays of affection. It was always very normal to me seeing that I too engaged in a lot of making out on trains or honestly basically anywhere, as well as doing a lot of casual dating around in my teens and later again during my twenties. However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't annoyed at all the people basically dry-humping each other on public transport everytime I had to witness them. That had honestly always irked me, but I was just used to it - like having to wait in line at the supermarket level bothered. Living in Japan nowadays, I do enjoy the overall more modest approach when it comes to dating. I like the fact that I don't have to see people making out on trains or in other public areas randomly during the day. Japan might be known to be a sexless nation and that definitely causes many problems in general, but in my personal experience, it's not all bad. Ace heaven, to be honest. Most Japanese people are socialized contrary to what I knew from Germany. Not talking about sex, not even taught in school settings, up to the famous mosaics of Japanese adult videos. The downsides are conspicuous; many Japanese men don't see a vulva and vagina until their first heterosexual experience with an actual person, same for the women. They can't even use pornography to study up on those things because of the censorship and in turn, many Japanese men end up fetishizing legs, feet or other areas of the female body, because that's what they are able to actually see and focus on - at least that's what I believe where those fetishes often come from (just a reminder: I'm not an expert, this is just an assumption of mine). Due to me being "the other woman" (without my knowledge!) more times than I probably even know if, I learned about the fact that cheating seems to run rampant in Japan. This is obviously an assumption not based in any research but only my personal experience, however I get the feeling that due to Japanese society as a whole being very strict about gender and dating etiquette, even stricter and frustratingly quiet about sex and sex-related stuff in general, couples tend to cheat on their partners behind their backs instead of exploring options like polygamy or open relationships. It is also never to be told. I'm almost 100% sure that none of the guys' partners I had an entanglement with know that it happened. With my partner, however, I have been straightforward and open about everything, because keeping stuff like this to myself would haunt me for eternity - and let's be honest, bad stuff has a tendency of weaselling its way back into your life if you don't declutter. Public displays of affection are also something you'll rarely see Japanese people do, as well as expressing feelings towards one another through words. If you think about a time one of your friends had a new love interest and you felt left out, you might understand how this could be seen in a positive light. Seeing them hug and kiss in front of you when you yourelf feel lonely and maybe even unlovable, this could just be even more hurtful for you. Things like that will most likely never happen when you're around a Japanese couple, or an international couple with one party being Japanese. Whereas I had to let my partner know that not holding my hand in front of my family makes them look like they don't love me and could in turn make my family believe they weren't serious about me, I had to adjust to modesty in front of their parents because flaunting your love is considered bad manners. It's been quite the adjustment to not kiss my partner in front of their parents, but it can also be fairly exciting in its own way.
But let's go back to the basics -
how exactly does dating differ in Japan from Western cultures? For starters, to be in a relationship usually doesn't happen naturally like it tends to with the Western experience of dating. One, usually the male counterpart, will confess their feelings and ask if you are willing to date them. Once you say yes, you start dating, meaning, literally going on dates until third base is eventually reached. After asking my partner, they told me that it's usually up to the man to decide where to go, what to do and often also still expected to pay (however, this could differ among younger folks). Dates in the park or other not very entertaining places are apparently also out of the question. There'll obviously be many people who kiss and do other stuff on first or second dates, but generally speaking a first date is not yet enough to go to first base. For many of us who had their first sexual experiences in their teens, this can feel childish and somewhat exhausting, especially if you're full on horny for them. In reality though, from all the Japanese men I engaged with, only one confessed his feelings in this way - and it wasn't the person I ended up marrying, so there's that. What I mean is that Japanese young people also fool around like their Western counterparts, but if they are honest in their intentions and willing to actually try out a relationship with you, they will probably go the confess-the-feelings route. The obvious positive in my opinion is that with this style of dating, both parties know exactly what they're getting into right from the start. More than on one occasion have I been hanging out with someone in Germany for a while only to end up being dumped once the "are we boyfriend/girlfriend now or what?"-question came around. For anyone who has experienced that at least once, you probably ended up feeling like they wasted your time - although let's be honest they were most likely a lesson to be learned from.
Anyways, from my experience, it is very unlikely to have a relationship like that with a Japanese person. The ones that fooled around with me, usually only did so once and ditched me pretty soon afterwards. The few ones that actually liked me did meet up with me more than once, but made sure to keep it on the down low and take flight before it got too serious. Even though some Japanese people might start their relationships by first confessing their feelings, after that they probably won't say that they like each other very often - much less use the word "love" as a form of expression, even if the emotion is felt. I believe that most rather show their affection through actions instead of words - small ones, like taking out the trash or bringing home your favourite snack. On that note, let me very briefly dive into two of the most important and frustatingly complicated topics of
"Tatemae" and "Honne".
Let's say you make a Japanese friend. This friend casually mentions they want to hang out with you again. You are happy that you found someone you can hang out with, so you text them later to invite them to go out for coffee. They are busy, so you offer a different time or day, but they still can't make time for you. The way they are communicating this is so polite and indirect that it's hard to understand they actually mean that they don't want to see you again. You are not worth their time, they don't care about you at all - no matter how friendly they have appeared when you first met. This is called Tatemae, and not understanding it is one of the main reasons why many foreigners have a hard time making Japanese friends. Even after years of living here I still have trouble reading which behaviours are Tatemae and which are Honne, the latter one being the opposite to Tatemae. Honne means "voicing it as it is", speaking from the heart, so to say. This will usually be reserved for very close friends or for when you're drunk. Some people never show their real face and others are really bad at Tatemae to begin with - yes, Japanese people themselves struggle with these concepts as well. This whole phenomenom gets even worse when you include hierarchal structures for example age differences into the mix, and you might be able to see how it hugely influences dating.
I had to meet a ton of Japanese men before I realized that them "being busy" meant they didn't want to see me again. Not only am I a very direct communicator, I also am quite literal. It didn't help that I was only in my babyshoes of learning Japanese, so when they said they'd be busy on the time I offered, I genuinely thought that's what they were. Being told again and again that they had something to do and not getting the message that was written in between the lines was extremely frustrating to me - as it probably is to a lot of foreigners trying to make Japanese friends or even pursuing love interests. When my now spouse came around and parted ways with me saying "Text me if you ever want to go out again!" after a night of heavy drinking, I assumed them just using Tatemae to be polite, like literally every single person that came before them. Somehow some tiny little glimmer of hope was still inside of me, so two weeks later I asked them out again only to be very surprised by their immediate response being a Yes. Right of the bat they were different than any other person I'd had met until then and even though there are some parts of their socialisation and character that are "obviously Japanese" (just as I have some "obviously German" parts in me), they were and still are a good example of a Japanese person dating a foreigner without having started out as a gaijin hunter, but simply being interested in someone that happened to also be a gaijin.
My life after getting married and discovering myself underneath the asexual umbrella
For some reason, the experience with that one Japanese guy that was so childlike in comparison to what I was used to from Germany gave me hope that somewhere, someone could actually be interested in me as a person rather than only expecting me to behave a certain way - mainly as a sexual partner. That particular relationship didn't last the distance, but it definitely made me more aware of people outside of my own culture as potential love interests in the future. It wasn't like I wasn't open to people from other backgrounds, it just had never occured as an actual dating opportunity to me apart from a few casual hook ups with people who weren't born and raised in Germany. Since those were just that - hook ups - I gradually started believing that I couldn't get along relationship-wise with someone who wasn't born and raised in the same environment I was. Now that I'm not only older, but also wiser, more aware of who I am and what I want, for me personally living in Japan and having a Japanese person as a partner just fits best. I feel more seen and heard with my current partner than I have ever before in Germany with people who were born and raised with the same language in a similar environment, but that particular environment also brings with it a lot of expectations. Without question, I find it problematic that sex is a topic rarely spoken about in Japan, however as someone who finds themselves underneath the asexual umbrella, it has been a lot easier to live my life in that regard after leaving Germany. I am not bombarded with the feeling of "not being enough" because I don't act a certain way towards my significant other or hearing phrases that might make me feel like my partner is eventually going to leave me because of that fact. One time when we were cuddling in bed, I asked them if they'd divorce me for the lack of sex and they said: "For that reason? Why would I?" and it's been the very first time in my life that I felt like I am okay and loveable the way I am. Generally, I have the impression that when it comes to love and relationships in Japan, the focus on sex is usually very low. Your personality as well as the things you like to do, apart from each other as well as together, seem to be much more in the center. There are obviously very sexually active people in Japan as well, I'm just speaking on the general everyday experience I've made living in the midst of a society where "sex sells" isn't really a thing, at least not directly in everyday life.
In conclusion,
I believe that just like all over the globe, things are changing with newer generations being more open. However, there is still the huge impact of Japan having been vastly isolated from the rest of the world for most of its history. I have hope for future generations of breaking the norms and living a life that's true to themselves, but I also don't judge anyone who doesn't feel like using the one life they have to always continue fighting and instead just find a way to live within the system. All in all, I generally hope for a more peaceful, loving and respectful community in the future.
Thank you for reading!
EFA
Not going to lie, this was honestly very hard to write about. Not only is this my first time "coming out" somewhat officially, but also, "dating" in general is just such a complex topic to cover. I ended up generalizing a lot, which I don't feel too comfortable doing, however I really wanted to talk about the struggles I've experienced dating as a foreigner in Japan, so this is what it ended up becoming. I'm not the happiest with the result, but seeing that I keep editing and rewriting parts so much that they become longer and longer, I'll now stop this craziness and just put it out. I really hope you could still find some enjoyment reading it and truly, with utmost sincerety, I want to thank you for being here.
Two websites I found while researching for this blogpost. It was interesting to me to find out about other foreign woman-Japanese men marriage pairings, so I'm just going to leave those links here in case you want to read up a little bit more research-based articles.
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